Saturday, July 10, 2010

Trichotillomania - Blog

I found this blog posting and found it to be helpful - it is a comment to one of her blogs and you will see my response below:

Title: You CAN Stop Pulling


MSPENNYLANE:

I have been a little slow to reply to my comments lately and am just going through them now. But I noticed a particularly inspiring one from Maddison which I wanted to draw your attention to:

I have a similar problem where I pick at my skin. I had a teacher tell me that your mind learns from repetition and telling yourself that you can do something can make it happen. I kept a journal or a log I didn’t write in it everyday but I wrote when I felt like picking, or after I had picked. It’s not just telling yourself that you can do it but you also have to believe it. Something that worked for me was looking at myself in the mirror (where I usually pick at my face.) and said I CAN STOP PICKING MY FACE over and over and over. I did this every time I was feeling stressed out at home. I also would write down I CAN STOP PICKING MY FACE on a piece of paper or sometimes several pieces of paper, but you have to believe it. I would write my self notes all over the place saying I CAN STOP PICKING MY FACE. I surrounded my self with these messages to myself. I had to identify when, where, and why I picked. I kept a journal or a log I didn’t write in it everyday but I wrote when I felt like picking, or after I had picked or if I didn’t pick. I wrote notes and put them in everyday places like the inside of my door, on the dashboard of my car, in the shower (I laminated them), on my computer, on the refrigerator door, on the inside of my refrigerator door, I wrote it down in my daily planner on every single page. I put these notes around and it was a reminder that I could do this and I would remember not to pick. I would pick anywhere and everywhere, at school for example. I would go in to the bathroom stall and pull out my compact mirror but I had written a note on the inside saying that I CAN STOP PICKING MY FACE. These three things among other methods helped me stop picking. I would start with not picking for days at a time then weeks at a time and now I have not picked my face in a year! I am just letting you know that this doesn’t just happen over night you truly have to surround yourself in your goal/message. I have been picking my face among other things for as long as I can remember (like pulling my hair, biting my nails, picking scabs, etc.) But picking my face was the worst. It was easy for me to admit that I had these particular problems and I would say that I wanted to stop but the words didn’t mean anything to me it was me just going through the motions. One day I decided that it really was time for me to stop. Because I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. but when I told my self that I could stop picking my face I started to believe it. I got compliments and that was even more encouragement for me. I would recommend that you try this with any form of treatment you think will help or is already helping you.

All the best to you

  1. Let It Go 10. Jul, 2010 at 6:50 pm #

    MSPennyLane – thank you for reposting this. I have dabbled and “pretended” that I was going to do this, but often time I just say things and don’t believe me. It may be a cliche thing to say – but the mind is a powerful thing.

    Abby Leora Rohrer made a book – why can’t I stop pulling – that I downloaded many many years ago. I printed it out and had it sit on my shelf for years upon years. I stopped reading it because it challenged me by saying something to the tune of:

    You don’t want to stop pulling, you say you do, but deep down there is a part of you that likes pulling. Let’s face it you found a creative way of dealing with this crazy world.

    For me to read that made me face the reality of pulling. I do like doing it, it feels great. I hate the consequences, the bald patches, the destroyed self esteem. She suggests after you pull, don’t hate yourself, say “good job you found a way to deal with your problems, but now lets find another solution” I have not done what she suggests, but I feel it falls in line with what Maddison is suggesting.

    Funny thing is I don’t want to put signs everywhere that say “I can stop pulling” b/c then everyone knows I pull. So I guess the key is to write it on tweezers with black magic marker! Or I do it at work so maybe I can make an ical pop up reminder with “I C Stop P” every hour, so I would know what it means, but not everyone else.

    All in all what I am getting at – you mind has to be made up, deep down in your mind and you have to stay committed. The more Yoga I do the less I pull as well exercise helps keep the mind focused on positive decisions for your body I feel.

    Thank you for reposting her comment it is a simple strong thing that can make a difference to help train your brain.
    Let It Go´s last blog ..Blog 3 – Trichotillomania- Lets Get Personal My ComLuv Profile


    You can fine the feed here:


http://ontrich.com/you-can-stop-pulling-a-comment-i-received.html

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Blog # 3 - Trichotillomania, Lets Get Personal...

Alright here it goes. So I have mastered talking about the medical side of it and the facts throughout the years. Now lets go to the dark side and touch on the emotions.

I like pulling. It gives me something to get the aggression out, it calms me and it keeps me centered. Crazy right? I hate being bald. I hate the shame and the fear of being discovered, but it does not feel as strong as the urge to relieve the desire to pluck that hair in the moment. I seem to forget or not care. I mean really, how are you supposed to explain to someone I pull my hair out until I am bald, yet I hate it and I don't want to do it anymore. I just can't stop. I quit drugs by removing myself from situations that would have me encounter them until I knew I was strong enough to say no when they were around. But I can't remove myself from my hair, it is part of me.

So what gives?

Why I want to quit - I would love for my man to be able to put his fingers through my hair. Did you know that is one of the most sensual expressions of love? I would love for trichotillomania to not be a part of my relationship. I would also love to have my self esteem have a fighting chance. Just once I want to dive into a swimming pool or sit on a beach and not worry about what others are thinking and if they can see how truly bald I really am. Or enjoy the wind in my face as it whips my hair around and not be paranoid that my comb over is being revealed.

But yet I pull and in the moment none of these things go through my mind. Where does it come from? Well it is a learned behavior now, but why did I start? When did it occur to me that it may just be a good idea to pluck that first eyelash? Or that first hair from my scalp? And why did it feel so satisfying? What was my body missing to have me crave such a strange and bizarre habit? I keep thinking if I answer these questions it will give me the answer on how to stop. But there are no real answers, theories yes, but no resolved answer. The best I have read and I will find where this quote came from one day: "I have found a creative way to deal with this crazy world and all of it's stress". So what does that mean to me? I am not crazy, I just needed an outlet for my angst and unfortunately I picked the wrong one!

So I come up with this saying - "Let it Go and Let it Grow" - it makes me feel good when I say it and all philosophical. (Now I just need to remember to say it to myself) It is literal - let go of my hair so it can start growing - and also refers to letting go of my angst so I can move forward in life and grow as a complete and happy person.

I find myself to be a fanciful person - I have grand ideas and big dreams. I lack follow through and motivation. I have to remember to start small and then go big. I need that foundation to be made of granite and not resting on clay. My intentions are positive and caring but perhaps I forget why I started everything.

So all in all, I can not change the past, I can not guess the future, BUT I can take control of today. (one hair at a time of course) Let it Go and Let it Grow. Daisy.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Blog # 2 - All the things I have done....

At first I did nothing, I said I was going to stop everyday and I hid it and lied about it. So by lying to the world I tricked myself and pretended it wasn't real. Then I got "outed" by my older sister - that is another story - so the journey began to "cure" myself.

1. Family doctor - Zoloft and referral to Psychologist. (senior yr of high school)
A. ZOLOFT - not sure it helped me with the trichotillomania, but it def helped with my crazy depression and out of wack mood swings - sorry Ma and Pa I know I was not your ordinary child.
B. PSYCHOLOGIST - my parents sent me to a therapist when I was 12-13, well cause I was morbidly depressed and hated life. BUT two things wrong - it was the same one my Dad was seeing and I was young and stubborn - so I never said more than two words. Hi and Bye basically. So when I went on my own accord it was helpful, but not with Trichotillomania. I was in the party scene at that point, so no matter how much therapy could be provided, nothing could override the major come downs I was having every other day that fueled hour upon hour sessions of pulling until I finally fell asleep. (Hmm wonder how my brain go so wired to use Trich as my safety blanket?)

2. ABH - http://www.behaviortherapynyc.com - Dr. Suzanne Feinstein - Freshman College
It was all new to me! I had to log my pulls, I had to be conscious of when and what I was doing, then when the pulls decreased I had to log when and what I was doing when I had urges and how strong the urges were. I had to listen to a relaxation tape, I had to talk about pulling!! I made it 7 days that I remember pull free. Then my momentum when down, I went home for summer, it was too expensive and health insurance was not reimbursing so stopped. It really was my motivation, I was like I didn't pull for a period of time I don't need to finish therapy!! BUT it taught me things that were so useful and had me on the right track, but I lost interest. I started to wild party - drinking and smoking weed everyday. There was no room for follow through on therapy. So it ended and I continued to pull.

3. ABH - http://www.behaviortherapynyc.com - Dr. Ori Shinar - Senior College
And I went back to therapy. I did well - my BF actually called and set me up with my first visit as I did not want to go back, I dreaded it. The money and the talking thing. I am not so good with really saying how I feel, I like to just pretend I am not feeling any of those bad feelings. But eventually as I followed the techniques - squeezing lemons, bandaids on the fingers, tracking every pull, putting every hair in the envelope I slowed the pulling down. But I just couldn't quit pulling. So eventually after 7 months to a year of therapy I stopped going again.

4. Secret Mane - http://secretmane.com - Charlene and Sheila!! I wore a wig. 25 yrs old.
The wig itself was annoying, but really not that bad. It literally was super glued to my remaining hair - well not super glue but some cosmetic, safe glue. FYI I was completely bald on the crown of my head. I have that really cool combover look going - you know the one 70 yr old men do? The girls were amazing. I was terrified to go. Charlene was so soft spoken and caring. Her an Sheila did my consultation and they genuinely were excited, they laughed and smiled together and couldn't wait to get my hair piece ordered and to install it. The idea behind it was to make it permanent so I could not get my lil fingers under the wig to pull out the hairs. It worked - 10 months later I had long locks on the top of my head that fell into sexy bangs. BUT as I did not follow through and took the wig off early as I was so excited and I did not go to my therapist during the transition - I ended up back were I started 5 months later. Oh right that is where I am now.

5. Back to Dr. Shinar at ABH along with Psychiatrist - www.modernpsychiatry.org - 26 yrs
A. ABH - Just gotta do it again. I have to follow through and do my check ins and get this bad boy back under control.
B. Dr. Schwartz - He put me back on Zoloft. I was getting insanely depressed and suicidal thoughts raced through my head. It was only after my medicine kicked it was I able to focus in therapy w/ Dr. Shinar. He also told me to start taking N-Acetyl Cysteine - check out the study here: http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT00354770 - I did not notice the difference it takes 2 months or something, but when I forgot to take it for 3 days, my urges skyrocketed!! So I would say it helps.

6. In conjunction w/ therapy I did a Keratin Treatment - darling James!! revolversalon.com
My hair feels awesome - it all feels the same. None are thicker or thinner than the other and my hair is slick with no crazy frizz. And i got a stellar haircut with my shit hair! One thing - my hair being so soft just make me want to touch it more! Ha!! But I am not finding the different hairs to mess with, so that is positive.

7. Writing a blog. Check it out here.

So this was long...but I think it sums everything up that I have tried. One thing to note somewhere in the early stages of things I tried Clomipramine - major no no. It made me pull more and was awful to come off of.

Next blog is going to be personal and about feelings.

Monday, May 17, 2010

AUGUST 14-15 RETREAT- White Haven, PA

http://helpme2stop.typepad.com/photos/upcoming_retreat/index.html

" Trichsters will finally meet with Salon Professionals and Health, Nutrition, Wellness Specialist and can talk openly about their Trich, get hair cuts, color, styling, eyelash extensions, eyebrows, hairpiece installations, wigs, hair extensions, skin care treatments and coverage for Skin Pickers, makeup and hair care lessons, makeovers, foods that help, and more… "

How Exciting - Day 1

So you have landed on my page and you are wondering what is this all about? Will it cure me? Not sure, But I am willing to try anything. My intent of this adventure I am beginning is not woe is me, or to find others who pull. I know you are out there, I know some do it worse than me and some do it less! MY INTENTION is one of experiment and enlightenment.

We have all tried to stop pulling right? We don't really want to pull, or at least we don't want those crazy patches of flesh peeking through our locks. So, keep in mind my theories often change every day depending on my mood as does my motivation. But underneath, I want to stop and I want to convince myself I am done with this nagging itch that taunts me and beckons me to pull.

My Guidelines that I try to follow:

1. No Tweezers in the house. What about my overgrown eyebrows? Save yourself 100 hairs and spend the $15 to get the tweezed/waxed/threading once a month. Cause telling yourself only one is not going to work. That hair really just is not out of place, I promise.

2. Put the hat on and just get your ass up and do something. Not after you get the next root, really right now. Home alone? Live Alone? Hat should be hanging by the door, another by the remote and those michael jackson gloves - should be your book mark.

3. If it is a secret, it is winning. Not sure who you confide in, but preferably someone who is often around. I finally broke down and told my co-worker who sits next to me. Just knowing she knows what I am doing and I am not just "playing" with my hair deters me. Plus her gentle slap or grab of my wrist snaps me back into - oh right not supposed to be pulling.

Ok, so day 1 may not be that exciting, but I am just getting started and inspired. I like the guidelines, I can just keep them going throughout future blogs....I love making rules for myself.

Blog # 2 will be all the things I have experimented.