I like pulling. It gives me something to get the aggression out, it calms me and it keeps me centered. Crazy right? I hate being bald. I hate the shame and the fear of being discovered, but it does not feel as strong as the urge to relieve the desire to pluck that hair in the moment. I seem to forget or not care. I mean really, how are you supposed to explain to someone I pull my hair out until I am bald, yet I hate it and I don't want to do it anymore. I just can't stop. I quit drugs by removing myself from situations that would have me encounter them until I knew I was strong enough to say no when they were around. But I can't remove myself from my hair, it is part of me.
So what gives?
Why I want to quit - I would love for my man to be able to put his fingers through my hair. Did you know that is one of the most sensual expressions of love? I would love for trichotillomania to not be a part of my relationship. I would also love to have my self esteem have a fighting chance. Just once I want to dive into a swimming pool or sit on a beach and not worry about what others are thinking and if they can see how truly bald I really am. Or enjoy the wind in my face as it whips my hair around and not be paranoid that my comb over is being revealed.
But yet I pull and in the moment none of these things go through my mind. Where does it come from? Well it is a learned behavior now, but why did I start? When did it occur to me that it may just be a good idea to pluck that first eyelash? Or that first hair from my scalp? And why did it feel so satisfying? What was my body missing to have me crave such a strange and bizarre habit? I keep thinking if I answer these questions it will give me the answer on how to stop. But there are no real answers, theories yes, but no resolved answer. The best I have read and I will find where this quote came from one day: "I have found a creative way to deal with this crazy world and all of it's stress". So what does that mean to me? I am not crazy, I just needed an outlet for my angst and unfortunately I picked the wrong one!
So I come up with this saying - "Let it Go and Let it Grow" - it makes me feel good when I say it and all philosophical. (Now I just need to remember to say it to myself) It is literal - let go of my hair so it can start growing - and also refers to letting go of my angst so I can move forward in life and grow as a complete and happy person.
I find myself to be a fanciful person - I have grand ideas and big dreams. I lack follow through and motivation. I have to remember to start small and then go big. I need that foundation to be made of granite and not resting on clay. My intentions are positive and caring but perhaps I forget why I started everything.
So all in all, I can not change the past, I can not guess the future, BUT I can take control of today. (one hair at a time of course) Let it Go and Let it Grow. Daisy.
